“Big, Beautiful, and Proud!” These are words I have often heard my older sister, Elizabeth Grayer say about herself ever since we were teenagers.
As I grew up I struggled with my image and I had low self-esteem, but from what I saw, Elizabeth never did.
August 28, 2010.
Angelica age 24, Elizabeth age 25
Fast forward to 2010 when I met my husband and then in 2011 I became pregnant. I finally got meat on my bones and the family butt. Even till this day in 2022, whenever I see my shadow and I can see my butt I stop and shake it. I drop it like it’s hot because I love it. I love my big butt.
Ok now back to the past, my husband Allen Stevenson enjoys big women. When we first started dating he said he just wanted to give me a sandwich. I was “eat a sandwich skinny,” to him.
So when I had my first son, I didn’t rush to lose weight because for once I felt comfortable and relieved with how I looked. I didn’t have to worry about my weight because I was happy and I had a man who loved me big.
However, the thing about me is that I kept getting pregnant. I was pregnant and/or breastfeeding for the next several years until 2016.
In 2016 I went out and tried an exercise boot camp a few months from my due date. It felt good. I didn’t go back to that same trainer until towards the end of 2020.
I was finally exercising consistently, having a personal trainer and beginning to see some change. Friday January 8, 2021.
Until a few months later I found out I was pregnant again. As I neared my delivery date, for the first time I weighed 200 lbs. And I still weigh it till this day.
I’m back in that spot where I’m not 100% comfortable with my body, how I look, and my health.
But I have moments y’all when I put on something new or cute, like this swimsuit I bought for swimming lessons with my infant daughter in June 2022.
Thank you for bearing with me Queens on my raw bathroom background.
It’s been a long time since I looked at myself in a bathing suit or half clothed, and felt good. I thought I looked good, and I allowed myself to agree and bask in the moment before I got self conscious again.
And let me be honest ladies, that energy, that truth, that state of mind of feeling good and looking good in my swimming suit didn’t leave even though I left it.
Because when I allowed myself to accept, and believe that looks good, every time I put on that swimming suit it shows in the way I walk. In the way I feel. In the way I get in and out of the pool. I look good! I feel good! I love how I look!
My sister Elizabeth is my role model of a woman who loves herself and how she looks. It’s like the love she has for herself grew as she also got bigger over the years.
The saying of “more to love” comes to mind. Which is true, and that more to love must come from self first. And this time not just from the inside out. It must come from the outside in too.
Because sometimes life won’t get past what’s on the outside to see us, you, me on the inside. That’s why we gotta love ourselves wholeheartedly from the outside so that the whole world, the whole room will feel that energy and know love is here. It’s happening and there’s nothing no one can do to take it away or change it.
So I just want to take this time to say thank you to my sister Elizabeth Grayer. And thank you to all you beautiful “plus” sized women for loving yourself, loving how you look, and showing it!
You are inspiring, motivating and are role models to me and other women like me that are new on this life journey of being Big, Beautiful & Proud!
“I had to stop focusing on my weight and focus on me because I am more than my weight. I am beautiful. I am intelligent. I have a great personality. I gradually came to the conclusion that I just needed to love myself, and not what the scale or society says I am or should be. I thought and spoke repeatedly that I’m the ish until I believed it and radiated it.”